A Catalog of Problems

A few days ago a friend called me to vent about his girlfriend, seems she's emotionally unavailable-you see she's still hung up on her ex. I was about to say that the worst part is that she fully admits to this but then I remembered. I had been that girl too.
Rick and I had our first dating go-around a little more than three years ago. For those of you trying to complete an accurate time-line it was really just months after the judge stamped the divorce papers. During the divorce proceedings I would waste more time with an idiot I had dated before. I lost that one to the "other woman". She was tall, blond and always smiling. You probably know her, it seems everyone does. But I was no match for St. Pauli Girl sadly and he chose to continue drinking them into profitablity. In a great forecast of the future- my parting shot to that drunken loser was, "My relationships don't fail because I don't try. You farked this one up." To which he nodded and stumbled off.
But for the next one I really wouldn't try. In fact I would sabotage secretly. It wasn't that I wasn't over my ex or the drunk, I just hadn't had enough time to heal. What I really needed has to be alone for a bit but I didn't see that then. So I decided to go right back to dating but this time I was going to be as "involved." It seemed like a a simple plan.
Rick and I had our first date shortly(and by shortly-I mean hours) after I finished with the drunk. No time to waste, I was on a mission. It was a fairly normal first date; drinks, conversation.
The following day I was feeling good about it still. And this is where my plan came into effect. My friends kept telling me that I always got too involved with these losers. I only heard the"too involved" portion. So the following day I went out to a local spot to see what else was out there- I was not going to become too involved again. And that's how I met Pete. He probably wasn't someone I would have normally dated but I was out looking for something new.
And here's where the first of many mistakes I made with Rick would begin. At first it was easy to juggle them. But as the summer progressed it became more and more difficult. Eventually I would come clean with Pete. "There's someone else." His reaction was not what I had anticipated, he cried. Driving home that night I thought about telling Rick but their (Rick and Pete) personalities were so different I couldn't imagine what Rick's reaction would be. So I didn't. And the problem just grew. The phone calls and the voicemails-"I've gone straight to your voicemail; I hope this means you're getting some sleep. Talk to you in the morning." The lies I told to cover myself.
And then one late night on the phone,"It's like you're not all there for me. Like you keep a part hidden. I really like you, or at least what I've seen of you so far, but I need to see the whole picture." I didn't have much of a reply. There wasn't a whole lot I could say. But it did seem as if there was something I could do; I could be more involved.
The next time I saw Pete would be the last. It was a terrible night. On the way home, in the pouring rain, there was only one person I wanted to talk to- to tell him that I was ready. Ready to be more involved. And I got the voicemail.
My call was not returned, not for several months. I guess I had decided too late and he had moved on. Later on we would talk about it-he would say that I just wasn't all there. I would confess to seeing someone else.
Later on I would realize that the someone else really didn't matter. Even if there had been no Pete I still would have held on to some small part of myself to avoid being hurt. Time would heal that part of me however, and one day I would be well enough to show someone all of me again.