Fear of Babies

In my catalog of problems with Rick next on the hit parade comes babies.

Rummaging through the junk drawer that is my life last week I stumbled upon the my one and only Rick momento- a ticket to a Tiger's home game. Friday August 6, 2004 up in the bleachers. It was an awesome date (awesomeness discussed later).
It was a work event-his work- which I thought odd for a third date that we almost didn't have (also a topic for another day).
So we're at a big work function and I think I'm doing well. And then the real story comes into play. Someone is there with their newborn baby. Like two weeks old. It's this baby's first trip out into the social scene it appears. And Rick loves babies (he will be a great dad and somewhere in this mess I start rating dates on their dad-ability). So there we are- he's holding an infant. It appears that everyone wants to hold the baby and nearly everyone does. And then I hear, "Do you want to hold him?" And it's coming from Rick and its directed toward me.
Unbeknownst to the general public- a few eeks before my divorce was final I made a trip to my doctor with the idea of using my ex-husbands insurance one last time. I had no intention of hearing bad news. Or the need for even more doctors and more tests. And it was a surprise to hear what they said lastly, "You may have some difficulties having children and we won't really know until you try."
And with those words fresh in my mind there he was asking if I'd like to hold an infant. Somewhere Freud and Jung were laughing-laughing that phony laugh you make when someone's joke bombs.
I guess the look on my face told the story. The look on his face was puzzled and his co-workers were quickly assigning me either fling or trophy status.
While the rest of the night was truly great- that issue would never really go away for us.
Late one night on the phone- "Are you ever going to tell me why you're afraid of babies?"He was the first I would try to explain my situation to, the first of many. I'd like to think that in the three years since my explanation has improved. This response was one of the best I've heard-clearly, he wanted to be a father no matter what.
In time my reaction to the whole baby thing would change and I would face that fear too. If it happens, it happens- worrying over it isn't going to change the facts or the outcome. I'm not sure how to end this- it's just one of the things I had to work on. There wasn't anyone who could help me. There were no magic words. Just time.