Do you really think

Late in March I had had enough. It was so bad I could see it coming and was desperately looking for an excuse to rid myself of another Mr. Boring, aka Tim. We were five months into dating and I had actually gotten out pen and paper to make a surprisingly long list of things I was missing out on by staying with him. The top five included going anywhere that required me to be more dressed up than jeans and a clean sweater, the symphony (or anything with any amouint of culture including yogurt which he detested), romance, stimulating conversation of any kind and toe curling sex. And I was really in the mood for claasical music.

Eventually he said that taking me to a friend's birthday party was "too much trouble" because my ex-husband was planning on attending and he had asked Tim not to bring me. Needless to say I was not amused. But I was dressed up for a night at the bar ( I couldn't let the ex and his new victim see me looking anything less than stellar). So I was all dressed up and free. Free to go to the nearest bar and drink my way out of my funk.

Typically after a break-up I speed dial through my Blackberry and dredge up men from the past for recycling. But I really wasn' that upset about Tim. I was more upset that my ex thought he was going to tell me I couldn't go somewhere.

I walked into the bar and ordered my usual drink; in the midst of taking out my aggressions on the poor lime there was Rick. And as usual he honed right in, "You're here alone aren't you?" Sometimes I just wanted to smack him. This was one of those times. And it was about to get worse.

I should have walked away. I was was in no shape to deal with him. But I didn't. Nope. Sat down to have my arse handed to me.

He wasn't up for polite conversation. Really, let's talk about politics, baseball, the economy. Anything. But no we were going to talk about my reason for being at the bar. Alone. On a Friday night.

So I quickly outlined the last five months of my life with Tim. Ran into him at a bar. Really had wanted to leave that night too- before Tim saw me. But I was sitting between him and the mens room and He was between me and the door. I was doomed. At first I had hoped he would ignore me. He was my ex's best friend after all. He stood up in our wedding. But he walked right up and started chatting and several rounds later he admitted that he had always been jealous of my ex for talking to me first the night we met. Tim, my ex and another friend had all been sitting at the bar that ill fated night I met my future ex-husband. And as the saing goes, flattery will get you everywhere. Fast forward- we had settled into a comfortable boring. I t was a relationship I could deal with but I was bored to tears. If it was like this in five months what would it be like in 30 years?

"And you thought this would make you happy?" he asked with a perplexed look. "What possessed you to think this was a good idea in the first place?"

"Well, some parts of it were a lot easier. I didn't have to explain the whole get married and get divorced in the same year deal. He knew the baggage (well most of it) and still liked me." To me this seemed logical.

"Your ex-husband's best friend seemed like your best choice?? Really? That was a recipe for disaster. When did you become so desperate??? What the hell were you thinking?"

For me a lot of people's opinions have very little weight. But this was Rick. I considered him a friend, at times I had considered him to be a lot more. His opinion had weight. His comments hurt.

My feelings were hurt. My answers were brushed aside.

"Sometimes I think you don't want to be happy Jennifer. The choices you make, the things you do. You're a smart girl but you don't choose things that will make you happy."

At first I was indignant. "WHAT? How could you say that?" I was upset but I would try to hide it for a few minutes more.

"You make dumb choices. You fall in love with people who clearly cannot work out, who can never give you what you're looking for. You can't possibly beleive that these guys are going to make you happy."

And I had two points; 1) I know that I'm responsible for my own happiness and 2) I really didn'yt see it that way. Sub-point 3 which remained unsaid- I fell in love with you once- what does that say?

And at this point I was upset. Visibly upset to those who were looking, unfortunately he was staring accross the bar. And before he realized it I was pissed off trying to hide the hurt.

But he didn't get it.

"When was the last time someone kissed you and made your knees shake?" he asked. I thought for a minute without answering. And then I lied, "I don't remember." In truth it was with Rick but that wasn't something I was willing to admit. "You need someone who can sweep you off your feet," he replied to my lie.

"Easier said than done. Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I like this?" I was still upset and he was finally getting it.

"Well what makes this so hard? Explain to me what the problem is here."

I quickly cataloged my current list of faults. Some of them were huge life issues; others were just things I didn't like.

"So you think that all those things are going to matter when you meet the one? Do you really think that your problems are going to be that big of a deal if he's really the one for you? Do you think he's not going to love you if he knows you're broke, you've been disowned by most of your family, that you have bad problems with anxiety?

Yep. That's exactly what I thought.